Backdoor Books

Coming soon · A picture book for grown-ups

TimmytheTaint

A Story About Being Kissable

by Harry Cheeks

Timmy lives right in between. ’Tain’t the front and ’tain’t the back, so every washcloth skips him. He hasn’t seen soap since 2004.

Now Timmy wants romance: kisses, fondling, the works. Candy leans in for a kiss… and leans right back out.

Join one overlooked little taint as he learns that if you want to be loved, you start by not overlooking yourself.

Wash it. For you.

Coming soon to Amazon

Contains strong language. Not for children. Or your date last July.

Cover of Timmy the Taint: a soft, pale-peach square pillow of a character with a stitched seam down the middle, a blue bow tie, and big hopeful eyes.

“You wash up ’cause you matter.
You’re a taint. You’re a pearl.”

— Donald, page 20

Peek Inside

Rhyming verse, warm vintage illustrations, and one taint the washcloth always skips.

Timmy, a soft peach pillow-shaped character, alone in a cozy bathroom with a little green stink cloud behind him.
“Meet Timmy the Taint, who lives right in between.”
A vintage SHOWER ROUTINE poster: a dotted arrow takes the washcloth to FRONT, then leaps right over Timmy to BACK.
“Then the cloth makes a jump clear over poor Timmy.”
Timmy in a bow tie striding out of a huge purple cloud of cologne on a suburban street.
“He sprayed so much cologne that it fogged up the town.”
On a restaurant patio, Candy leans in for a kiss while the waiter holds dessert at arm's length with a clothespin on his nose.
“And the waiter came by with a peg on his nose.”
Timmy alone at the patio table after dark, holding a note that reads IT'S THE SCENT.
“She left half of the bill and a note: IT’S THE SCENT.”
Donald the Dingleberry, glossy and clean in a white T-shirt with a sponge and soap, at Timmy's front door.
“It was Donald! Yes, Donald, all glossy and clean.”
Trim Jim, a big barber with a handlebar mustache, trimming Timmy in a red barber chair while Donald watches.
“You go bald down below, and you’ll itch. Kid, beware.”
At the laundromat, Candy leans toward a fresh, confident Timmy, sniffing the air with delighted surprise.
“Why, Timmy,” she said, “you smell clean. You smell nice.”
Steam in the shower as the washcloth happily circles Timmy, scrubbing away.
“Now they’re skipped. They are fuming. ‘Hey!’ yells the crack.”

The Cast

Table for Two · Patio by the Rosebush · Reservation Under Timmy

Candy

Candy

Timmy’s date. Warm, kind, and honest about smells. Left a note.

Donald

Donald

Glossy, clean, and a Cling-Ons sponsor now. Knows a thing or two about wiping.

Trim Jim

Trim Jim

Barber. Trim the hedge. Don’t go bald. You’ll itch like hell.

The Waiter

The Waiter

Brought a clothespin to the first date. Didn’t need it for the second.

Timmy’s Rules for a Kissable Taint

  1. Wash it every day. Mild, unscented soap and warm water. The washcloth stops in the middle now.
  2. Dry it all the way. Damp is how swamps start. Pat dry, then let it air.
  3. Cotton, not nylon. Breathable underwear, changed daily. Sweat has to go somewhere.
  4. Trim the hedge. Don’t go bald. Shaving down there itches like hell. Trim Jim says so.
  5. Cologne is not a shower. It’s perfume on garbage. Do it for you: you’re the first one who should notice you.
  6. A rash, a lump, a sore? That’s a job for a doctor, not a dating app. Timmy is a cartoon.
Harry Cheeks at his writing desk, looking back over his shoulder with a fountain pen, jeans riding low

About Harry Cheeks

Harry Cheeks has sat through a lot of meetings. Some of them could have been emails. Most of them could have been nothing. Timmy the Taint is his fifth picture book for people who are far too old for picture books.

Format
Paperback, 8.5″ × 8.5″, full color, 36 pages. Also on Kindle, in color.
Publisher
Backdoor Books
Buy
Coming soon on Amazon
Audience
Adults. Strong language. Makes an excellent gag gift for first dates, the guy who thinks cologne counts as a shower, and anyone the washcloth has been skipping.

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